Back to posting, because I can't stop thinking. And when you can't stop thinking, either you find someone to talk to or vent it out somewhere. To be honest, I love all my friends, I really do, but I'm not good with expressing to people in words. I'm never good at conversation, hence I always feel guilty when I'm around friends while having no conversation
Everyone have their faults, have their negative points. I do too, of course, and that's what got me thinking.
One of that negative point was as mentioned, another was never being true to myself, or others. I could lie, fake and tell the world and myself that I'm contented, when I know I'm not. Not that I'm not contented, just not totally.
I love my friends so much, so much that I don't really know how to reject or say no sometimes. Because I don't really have a true friend until I'm much older, I don't want to lose the handful ones I have now. Sometimes I just feel fake, and I hate that type of myself, not being me. But don't get me wrong, I'm very happy and blessed every moments I spent with all my darlings. Just, I feel guilty, to them.
I'm a person who don't like to feel 'not needed'. Even if it's not true, I have that 'protective shield' around me that gives me the signal to step away before being hurt, no matter will I be hurt or not. I stepped out of many life and opportunities, just because of that. And while that's what I had been thinking, how that part of me sucks, and how much I had lost.
Looking back, I don't know how should look at myself other than being a coward, and filled with regrets. The only thing I'm glad was that I put things down easily, until that one day when I feel lost (like now) that I dig them out and feel regret all over again.
But I guess there's no worries with that since my ever working brain will start thinking and worrying about other stuff sooner later. I'm done with ranting, and if you read until here, I applaud you, and I want to say thank you for being a part of me for a minute.
❤Janette
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